


Half-Hearted Hearts

by umpahpahumpahpah



Category: Monsta X (Band), 우주소녀 | Cosmic Girls | WJSN
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Crying, F/F, F/M, Mutual Pining, a little bit of cursing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-11
Updated: 2020-05-11
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:29:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24125176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/umpahpahumpahpah/pseuds/umpahpahumpahpah
Summary: She, who has been sitting there for almost two hours, watches the sky color gradually turn from deep, dreamy light blue to harsh orange with a mix of purple and pink. The clouds smile at her, and the bustling cars cut through the strong wind that makes her hair tousled.The colors reminds her of her.
Relationships: Kim Hyunjung | Seola/Kim Jiyeon | Bona, Kim Jiyeon | Bona/Yoo Kihyun
Comments: 19
Kudos: 65





	Half-Hearted Hearts

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry kihyun I don't have anything against you this is just for fun ahhdhs anyways this is kinda rushed?? idk but I feel like I'm missing a lot of things so I give up cause if I keep writing this longer I'll just mess it up hahahah  
> and damn it I suck at thinking of a title

At approximately 9 a.m. in the morning, Kim Hyunjung comes out of her shared room with Juyeon, and strides to sit on one of the chairs at the dining table. She wonders why none of her members wake up yet, but she's glad for the short time she has for herself before the dorm would get noisy and busy. Slipping her hand inside the pocket of her pajama pants, she checks to see if there's anything important to take a look at, or maybe a message from her mother or sister, but instead, she sees a news headline and two pictures of people who look familiar to her. She frowns as she taps and reads the news headline.

**_MONSTA X's Kihyun and WJSN's Bona reportedly in a relationship._ **

It may be because she's sleepy and groggy, but Hyunjung remains silent for a while, throat feeling dry and eyes blinking again and again to make sure that it's not a dream. She refreshes the news page a few times, hoping to see it vanish, but instead, a new article is posted with another picture of Jiyeon and Kihyun.

**_Starship Entertainment denies MONSTA X's Kihyun and WJSN's Bona are dating. They say they are just junior-seniors._ **

Of course. Of course Starship would deny it. What's new in the K-pop industry. But Hyunjung knows, there could be a possibility the two idols are dating each other. Their group members are close with the Monsta X's members, especially her, Soobin, Sojung, Juyeon and Dayoung because they're basically friends with everyone and lastly, Jiyeon. Now that she realizes it, Jiyeon and Kihyun are kinda close with each other, and somehow, it gives off an unsettling feeling in her.

Hyunjung is about to scroll through the page more, but she hears a click of a door, and when she looks up, Sojung walks out, rubbing her eyes sleepily. The girl feels another presence in the kitchen, and she smiles when she sees Hyunjung staring into nothing. She's pretty sure the older girl heard her, so she sits opposite of her.

"Good morning, unnie."

"Morning. I'm guessing you haven't read the news yet?" She says, and she watches Sojung's face turn into a frown. "What news?" Hyujung turns on her phone and searches for the news page, before giving her phone to Sojung and she waits for a reaction.

"Starship denies it?"

"Yeah."

And Sojung doesn't say anything as she reads the two articles again, then gives back the phone to Hyunjung, and leans back on the wooden chair.

"Is she still sleeping?" Hyunjung asks out of nowhere. Sojung nods, as she grabs the cup of coffee Hyujung made a few minutes ago, gulping it down her thirsty throat.

"What do I do?" After finishing Hyunjung's coffee, she asks innocently, making Hyunjung roll her eyes.

"I don't know about you, but I'll act like nothing happens." She exhales as she rubs her eyes tiredly.

"Speaking of that,"Sojung stares at her,and she doesn't know why but something about the seriousness in Sojung's voice makes her feel uneasy.

"-how are you feeling?" The question is something she really doesn't expect out of Sojung's mouth, and she couldn't help but frown at her.

"What do you mean?" Although she knows what she means. Sojung is aware of Hyunjung's feelings for Jiyeon, and she's afraid that this will hurt the older girl.

But Hyunjung looks unbothered, and Sojung knows she's faking it. Deep inside she's probably torn in between keeping her feelings bottled up or just going and confessing to Jiyeon and move on.

"You know what I mean. Aren't you gonna do anything about it?" And by the time Sojung says that, Dayoung and Yeoreum come out of their room, joining Hyujung and Sojung as they flop their heads down on the table. Dayoung checks her phone, and the two older members stay silent, waiting for a reaction to come out of her. And they're satisfied with the sudden outbursts from the younger, who turns her head to them as she shows her phone, the same article they had been reading a while ago, making them nod their heads at Dayoung. Dayoung's eyes widen as she reads the article over and over and shows it to Yeoreum when the girl asks her what's wrong. Yeoreum gasps and looks at Sojung.

Sojung sighs, knowing that it's going to be a long day.

  
  
  
  
  


As she grabs her chopsticks and some kimchi from the plastic container, Jiyeon eyes the girl opposite of her carefully, who's looking down on her plate, chewing a few pieces of bean sprouts. Out of all her group members, she doesn't know why she's afraid of the eldest' reaction the most. Maybe it's because she has never really shown her feelings to anyone, or maybe Jiyeon is just curious.

The lunch they're having together is accompanied only by the clatter of chopsticks and the sound of chewing once in a while, but other than that, all of them remain quiet, which is really not a WJSN thing. But Jiyeon is too afraid to say anything, even though she knows, whatever her choices are, whatever she does, they'll always be there to support her.

Juyeon breaks the silence by saying, "Hyunjung-unnie, don't you have anything to say?" and Jiyeon watches in horror as Hyunjung puts down her chopsticks slowly, chewing the last bits of her food before looking straight at Juyeon who is sitting beside Jiyeon. It almost makes it feel like she's looking at her instead of the younger girl.

"Shouldn't you be asking Sojung that?" She asks, and it's now that Jiyeon realizes all of the members are looking at the oldest member.

"You're the leader after all." Hyujung leans forward and looks to the end of the table, where Sojung is sitting and staring at her with bewilderment in her eyes. Luda, who's sitting next to Hyunjung, unconsciously gulps nervously.

"B-but, unnie-" The leader stutters, trying to make up an excuse so that Hyunjung would be the one talking to Jiyeon about 'it', but she couldn't find any. Hyunjung shrugs as she drinks her cold water, while the other members start talking like normal again. Jiyeon sighs in relief, but for a second, she glances at Hyunjung, who's also looking at her before she stands up to go wash her dishes. Jiyeon sighs again, but out of tiredness this time.

  
  
  
  


Jiyeon lays there, curling up to her side on her bed, in her shared bedroom with Sojung, her plushies and pillows surrounding her. It's evening now, judging by the color that spills through the small window of their bedroom. The room is lit up in orange. 

Grabbing her phone from the bedside table, she texts a certain someone who's facing the exact same crisis with her.

_6:30 PM_ _Kihyun._

Immediately, he texts her back.

_6:30 PM Yes?_

_6:31 PM What are you doing?_

_6:31 PM I was playing games with_

_Changkyun just now. What's up?_

_6:32 PM_ _Nothing, I'm just worried._

_6:32 PM Ahh, I see._

_6:32 PM It's going to be alright, okay?_

_You don't need to worry too much._

At that, Jiyeon smiles, but before she could type in her response, Sojung barges in through the door, surprising her. Jiyeon looks at her weirdly.

"Where are you going?" She asks, curiosity getting the best of her.

"Out." Sojung simply replies as she grabs her jacket.

"Yeah, but where?" When Sojung almost steps out, Jiyeon calls out to her. "Are you not going to wear your mask?" Sojung turns around to look at her while she's already halfway through the door.

"I'm not going _out_ out. I'm only going to our company's building." And that confuses Jiyeon more. "Why?"

"I have stuff…to do?"

"Okay?"

"Yeah, so see you later."

"Sure. Bye." And with that, the door closes, leaving Jiyeon alone again. She turns on her phone and momentarily forgets that she was chatting with Kihyun a minute ago.

_6:34 PM Sorry. I was talking to Sojung just now._

_6:34 PM Oh it's fine._

_6:34 PM Kihyun?_

_6:34 PM_ _Yeah?_

She stops for a while, before she continues.

_6:36 PM_ _Love you._

_6:36 PM Love you too._

Jiyeon doesn't know why she hesitates to say those words to Kihyun, it makes her wonder, what has she been doing in the past 5 years of their relationship. But instead of getting caught up in her own thoughts, she shrugs and closes her phone. Maybe it's nothing. Maybe it's just her own mind messing with her. But the feeling inside her chest says otherwise.

  
  
  
  
  


She, who has been sitting there for almost two hours, watches the sky color gradually turn from deep, dreamy light blue to harsh orange with a mix of purple and pink. The clouds smile at her, and the bustling cars cut through the strong wind that makes her hair tousled.

"Unnie." Without needing to turn around, and even with the voice getting carried away by the wind, Hyujung knows it's their leader calling her. She doesn't reply, thinking that Sojung knows, she heard her, and she hears light footsteps approaching her.

The younger girl sits right next to her, adjusting her position to sit the same way as Hyunjung, letting her feet dangle in the air over the tall building.

"It's peaceful, isn't it?" Her voice is hoarse, and she hates it. It's the aftereffect of crying for the past few hours. Sojung seems to notice as well, but she doesn't say anything about it, but instead,

"Yeah. It is. Now I get why you like coming up here. It's beautiful too." Hyunjung nods, agreeing to her words. But she knows Sojung isn't up here with her just to talk about unimportant stuff like this.

"I'm fine." She says suddenly. Although it hurts her heart to say that, she continues on. "You don't have to waste your time and come up here just to comfort me."

When Jiyeon walks out of her room this morning, with only her oversized t-shirt and shorts on, she sits down on the dining table and inhales before telling them that it's true, she's dating Kihyun. Hyunjung feels her heart shatter in pieces and it hurts her physically. For the rest of the day, her heart has been pounding wildly in her chest, falling into rhythm with the veins popping out of her forehead, twitching uncontrollably. So that's why she's here, sitting at the top of her company's roof, and not their dorm building, just because she couldn't bear being close to Jiyeon right now. She had considered going further than Starship's building, maybe to her hometown but she doesn't want to make her members and managers worry.

"It's not a waste of time. Your problem is my problem as well. As the leader, it's my job to take care of all of you." From the corner of her eyes, Sojung turns to look at her, and hearing that sentence being said, Hyunjung feels like crying again.

When Sojung inches closer and welcomes her into her open arms, Hyunjung loses it. She ducks her head as her eyes start to sting, and droplets of water fall into the open palm of her hands. Sojung rubs her arm up and down, letting Hyunjung cry silently on her shoulder. It must've hurt. Mentally and physically. Mentally, because of the overwhelming feelings she has for Jiyeon isn't acknowledged, and physically because her throat would pretty much hurt like hell if she continues to cry like this.

After a few minutes of sobbing and wiping her eyes repeatedly, Hyunjung pulls herself away from Sojung, and she stares down at the bustling street.

"It hurts, Sojung." The leader hums, telling her that she's listening.

"It hurts and I can't do anything about it. I've been keeping these feelings bottled up since the first time I set my eyes on her. At first I thought it was just a crush. But turns out, it's not. It's way more than that. My feelings for her grow everytime we share a moment together. Everytime she told me a secret of hers that she doesn't tell anyone else. Everytime she smiles at me. Everytime she reaches out to touch my hand whenever she's nervous, or happy, or angry or even, sad."She exhales.

"I've had feelings for her since the first time she talked to me just because she doesn't have anyone to talk to in the company." The both of them chuckle at that sentence.

"And I know, her and Kihyun are close with each other, but I just-"

"Didn't expect that it would come to that?" Sojung continues for her.

"Yeah." She stares at Sojung then, and even with the dark starting to set around them, she could still see Hyunjung's tear-stained eyes, red and puffy. Watching the older girl in this kind of state, Sojung couldn't help herself as she felt her own eyes get watery.

"Why are you crying?" Hyunjung chuckles despite the tears falling down her face. Her heart is pounding angrily and she holds her chest, trying to calm herself.

"I don't know. It hurts me to see you like this." Sojung pulls her sleeves up to wipe her eyes and she laughs painfully, feeling herself being ridiculous while Hyunjung stares at her black Converse. Hyunjung nods as she checks her phone,

_7:25 p.m._

and she sighs tiredly.

"I love her."

She closes her eyes as she listens to the sound of Sojung's jacket rustling, the wind howling, and the busy street of Seoul underneath her feet.

"I love Jiyeon."

She utters that quietly, as if she's afraid someone else beside Sojung will hear it. As if there are people surrounding them.

The sky has turned a perfect dark blue now, engulfing the both of them in darkness and cold air. Standing up, Hyunjung offers her hand to Sojung, who accepts it immediately, and together, side by side, they start walking towards the rooftop door. Before opening it, Hyujung stops, and it halts Sojung's movements as well, who turns to look at her. Puffing out air from her mouth, Hyunjung continues as she smiles half-heartedly.

  
  


"But there's nothing I can do about it."

  
  
  
  
  


It's not wrong to feel that way. Everybody deserves to be in love. It's just the matter of fact that you have to fall in love with the right person that's all. If not, you'll pretty much hurt yourself. But that's the thing about love. You try it once, and then it breaks you, and you're afraid to do it again. But then curiosity got the best of you, and you fall in love again, and then you're hurt again. You'll keep trying and trying, and eventually, you'll find the right one. Hyunjung deserves to be in love. And so does Jiyeon.

_But there's nothing I can do about it._

Hyunjung's words keep repeating in her mind like a broken record. Sojung sits there, on her bed opposite Jiyeon's, who's showering.It makes her think really, if it had ever occurred to Jiyeon that Hyujung has feelings for her. If she had noticed it at all for as long as she knows her. Surely she would, right?

Jiyeon interrupts her thought when she enters the room, already dressed in her pajamas while she ruffles her hair with her grey towel.

_The same color as Hyunjung's._

"What?" Sojung doesn't realize she was staring and she shakes her head. She clears her throat and looks down on her phone, and a box of chat pops up on the screen.

_8:58 PM_ _Thank you for what you did just now._

_9:00 PM It's nothing, unnie._

_I know you needed someone to talk to._

_9:00 PM_ _So?? You're really not going to do anything?_

_9:02 PM_ _I don't know. I don't think so. Let's just see what happens._

_9:02 PM_ _Whatever you say, unnie._

Looking up from her phone, Sojung glances at Jiyeon who's sitting on her own bed, knees hugged against her chest as she types away on her phone. Unaware to herself, Sojung sighs, closing her eyes as she tries to clear her head and focus on helping Hyunjung.

_One is in love and happy, while the other one is in love and hurt._

"Are you really in a relationship with Kihyun?" The words slip out of her mouth before she can catch it. Sojung clasps her lips together as Jiyeon looks up from her phone, then turning it off, making her feel more anxious than she is.

"Why? Can't believe it?" She smiles at Sojung, making the other girl snort.

"Kind of. It's just that I've always seen the two of you as close friends. Nothing more than that." Jiyeon laughs, but after that they stay silent, with Sojung rubbing her temples, and Jiyeon checking her phone for a few seconds, before closing it back.

_How should I say this._

She thinks, but then decides to just go with it.

_Fuck it._

"Can you-" Jiyeon hums, giving her full attention.

"Can you talk to Hyunjung-unnie?"

"All of a sudden?"

"It's just that-" She thinks about her choices of words before continuing, "She looks like she's having some internal conflict with herself, and when I asked her if she's okay, she said she doesn't wanna talk about it." And thus, a perfect lie comes out of her mouth as she watches Jiyeon's concerned face. She smirks to herself, knowing that Jiyeon wouldn't resist anything when it comes to her favorite Hyunjung-unnie.

"Sure. But why me? Not Juyeon? Or Soobin?"

_Oh yeah. Why not them?_

Sojung racks her brain to find an answer, and she thanks God for helping her. "You're the only person she listens to." And Sojung grins to herself the second time when she sees Jiyeon's ears turning red.

"Okay."

"You're serious?" She asks in disbelief.

"Yeah. I'll talk to her as soon as possible." Sojung's eyes don't waver when Jiyeon stares at her.

"You say it like she's somewhere else even though her room is just opposite of us." Jiyeon rolls her eyes and Sojung chuckles. She then decides to call it a night since it's already eleven, so she lays down as Jiyeon continues playing with her phone. She sighs tiredly, slowly closing her eyes as she thinks back to the moment she shared with Hyunjung that evening, and she shakes her head.

_It's going to be okay now, unnie._

  
  
  
  
  


"Hey there, unnie." Hyunjung freezes when she hears the really familiar voice.

_Shit._

She looks up slowly, just in time as Jiyeon sits in front of her on the dining table. It is midnight, and when Hyunjung sits there, with a can of beer in her hands, staring at the kitchen light flickering above her, she thought she is going to be thinking of her late night thoughts alone, but then Jiyeon comes out of nowhere and fills up her mind.

"Hey." She tries her best to sound appropriate even though it's her third can already. And then her heart starts pounding again when Jiyeon stares at her through her equally tired eyes.

"Why are you still up?" Pushing her hair back, Jiyeon grabs one of the empty cans on the table and scrunch it as hard as she could.

_Did you know? That that's exactly how you break my heart._

Hyujung thinks to herself as she watches the younger girl take the other one and does the same.

"I can't sleep."

"And you're hoping that drinking could help?" Jiyeon lines up the two can in front of them, like she's creating a barrier between her and Hyunjung.

"No. Yes. I mean no." Jiyeon raises an eyebrow.

"It's complicated." Stretching her legs underneath the table, she sighs.

"Why? What's so complicated? Care to share?" Hyunjung feels like laughing. Jiyeon wants her to share her messy thoughts? Share that she's broken hearted and has been crying for hours because of her? Jiyeon really has no idea what's happening, does she? That she's the reason why Hyunjung is drinking three cans of beer in the middle of the night, with her mind messed up and her eyes dry of tears.

"I'd rather not." Slowly leaning back onto the wooden chair, the hurt on Jiyeon's face doesn't go unnoticed by Hyunjung, and she hates herself because of it. But Jiyeon deserves it. After what she did to Hyunjung, a little secret kept away from her is nothing.

"I see." Exhaling defeatedly, Jiyeon stares at her, hoping to get through her by looking sincerely in her eyes, even though it's clear she doesn't want to share anything to her. Watching Jiyeon slumps on the chair, fiddling with her fingers as she racks her brain on figuring out what it is that Hyunjung is keeping from her, Hyunjung decides to say more than she intends to.

"It's really nothing, Jiyeon-ah." And that makes her look up.

"It's my own problem, that involves someone else, and none of us can do anything about it. You don't have to worry, if that's what you mean by asking me to share about it." She smiles half-heartedly at Jiyeon, just like when she's on the rooftop that evening with Sojung.

I just hope that it'll end soon." Jiyeon nods understandingly, and at that moment, she knows not to ask further about the topic. But one last question has been bothering her since the morning the news came out.

"Can I ask you something?" She asks carefully. She doesn't know why, but this moment they're sharing, she would like for it to be a bit longer. She wants to savor it, and she saves the image of a tipsy Hyunjung who's staring at her through half-lidded eyes in her mind. It's like she's afraid of losing her. Afraid that after she asks the question that bothers her the most, Hyunjung would stand up and walk away from her.

"Sure, what is it?" The older croaks out harshly, and she knows it's unintended, but it still makes Jiyeon shiver.

This is it. She inhales sharply.

"What do you think of me and Kihyun?" When those words left her mouth, Jiyeon can practically feels the air around them shift as she watches Hyunjung's dark brown eyes stares at her. So dark that it looks like it's pure black. The older girl remains silent, static and unmoving, and that makes Jiyeon feel small under her clouded gaze.

"What's with you two?" Jiyeon hates it when Hyunjung does that. Speaks like that. Pretending like she doesn't know what's happening, or what's wrong.

"Stop that." She says sternly, and what irks her more is Hyunjung smirking at her. She rolls her eyes as she picks on one of the strings plucking out on her hoodie, thinking that the older girl will play with her.

"Okay." And she hears that to her surprise instead. She glances at Hyunjung, and her eyes stay on her.

"Well, whatever you do, we have your back. We support your choices."

"No, unnie." That's not what she wants to hear. She wants to know what Hyunjung herself thinks about it, not this 'we support you' bullshit. "I'll ask you again."

"What do _you_ think of me and Kihyun?" She emphasizes the word referring to Hyunjung, and she sees her flinch for a second, but goes back to normal as she checks her phone laying on the table.

"What do I think of you two? I don't know, Jiyeon-ah."

"Are you fine with it?"

Hyunjung answers after a minute of silence.

"Yes. Why wouldn't I be?" She merely shrugs. Indeed, why wouldn't she be. But why is it that Jiyeon feels like there's more to it? That Hyunjung is not just fine with it, but instead has more to say about it, but of course, Hyunjung being Hyunjung, decides to just stay quiet.

Hyunjung watches as Jiyeon nods, slowly running her hand through her hair, and she wonders why she still finds it attractive. With her kind of disheveled hair, her tired round eyes, her collarbones peeking out from her hoodie and her teeth gnawing at her lips. Amidst all things, her heart throbbing painfully and shattering in pieces, her world comes crashing down and her love being one-sided, Hyunjung admits, she still loves Jiyeon.

"Okay." Is all the reply she gets from the brunette. Jiyeon stands up, and it startles her.

"Well, I guess good night, unnie." Grabbing the empty cans on the table and throwing them in the trash bin, she turns to walk to her room, and Hyunjung watches her back slowly slipping away into the darkness. But Jiyeon stops at the door, turning her head to look at the older girl.

"Unnie?" She calls even though Hyunjung's already looking at her. Hyunjung raises her eyebrows.

"Sleep well and don't sleep too late." Warmth spreads in her broken heart when she hears her utter those words, and she can't help the small smile that spreads on her lips as she nods her head at Jiyeon, who's smiling back at her.

  
  
  
  
  


Even though she said that she's fine, it doesn't seem like that to Jiyeon. While Hyunjung and her don't talk much with each other in general, still she notices the change between them after the conversation they had a week ago. Hyunjung seems more distant now, only talking to Jiyeon when necessary or joining in a conversation between her and other members but never speaking directly with her.

Jiyeon wonders why Hyunjung bothers her so much.

Maybe it's the fact that she says that she's okay with it, but now she's acting like she's not. Or maybe it's the fact that they used to be so close with each other, and now it's like they're strangers. Hyunjung seems closer to Sojung and Soobin nowadays, and even though Hyunjung and Soobin are always up on each other's face , she wonders how Sojung gets the privilege of 'replacing' her. Or maybe Jiyeon is just jealous. But what for? She doesn't know, but she always has this unsettling feeling in her heart whenever Hyunjung giggles and whispers something in Soobin's ear, or when she prefers to sit opposite of Sojung and not Jiyeon on the dining table, or when she goes out to buy the groceries with Juyeon instead of her, or when she watch movies with the younger members and not the older members.

Whatever it is, it makes her think of her own feelings.

Scattering themselves around the living room, the members decide to have a movie night because Dayoung wanted to watch Frozen 2, again.

"We've watched this a billion times already!" Argues Yeoreum as Dayoung plugs in the USB drive on the TV, ignoring Yeoreum and Yeonjung's words of retaliation. Dayoung makes a face at the two of them and then she turns to the long couch, and asks Jiyeon to move from the armrest. The thing is, she purposely sits close to the armrest and puts a gap just because she doesn't want to sit next to Hyunjung, who's sitting next to her, who's sitting next to Soobin. Jiyeon is sure she doesn't need to hear all their small conversations with each other.

"Move, unnie, move! I wanna sit here." Dayoung pushes her away and she tries to bite her, but the younger girl quickly pulls away. After struggling with each other for a whole minute, Jiyeon relents and scoots closer to their oldest member, wary of her expression but Hyunjung remains unbothered as she concentrates on the TV. With Dayoung squishing herself on the couch, Jiyeon is pushed closely to Hyunjung to the point their shoulders and legs are touching, and to be honest, it makes her feel at ease.

Hyunjung's warm.

And she finds herself liking it a lot. Just being close to Hyunjung makes her let her guards down, sitting comfortably despite her heart beating loudly in her chest. There's just something about her that brings comfort to her. Maybe it's the warmth radiating from her, or maybe it's her sincere smile, maybe it's her sickeningly sweet laugh or her touches that leaves trails of fire on Jiyeon's skin.

She wants to deny it, but it does bother her a bit when Soobin leans in closer to Hyunjung's ear to whisper something inaudible, that makes Hyunjung laugh like it's the funniest thing in the world and it drives her crazy as she unconsciously grabs Hyunjung's hand that's on her lap.

_Jealous._

She's jealous and she doesn't know why. She shouldn't be feeling this way when she already has someone else in her heart. But does she really? When she's been feeling jealous of anyone who gets close to Hyunjung, and her heart aches when she distances herself from her. Why is it that she has some really strong feelings for Hyunjung that she herself doesn't understand when she's supposed to be feeling like this with Kihyun?

Jiyeon is aware of her action only after she feels Hyunjung flinches beside her, and then she feels her looking at her, but Jiyeon doesn't dare to turn her head, pretending to concentrate on Elsa fighting with the waves. She is about to retract her hand in embarrassment when Hyunjung pulls it back to place it on her lap, intertwining their fingers, making her go rigid. Her hand is cold in Hyunjung's warm ones.

They stay like that, with Hyunjung's hand holding hers, and once in a while, she feels her rub the back of her hand with her thumb. Something crosses her mind and she gulps nervously, before purposely leans her head on Hyunjung's shoulder. She thinks about the possibility of Hyunjung pushing her away, or standing up and moving somewhere else, but no, she lets her do it, and Jiyeon hates her for it. She hates it because it feels like she's taking advantage of her even though she doesn't really know what's inside Hyunjung's heart, what is it that she's thinking. But one thing she knows, she's letting herself bask in the feeling of Hyunjung being so close to her.

When the movie's finished, everyone stands up, and so does Jiyeon as she untangles her hand quickly from Hyunjung in order to not embarrass herself more, and that startles the older girl, and Jiyeon can feel her eyes piercing through her back as she stands up to go to her room. When she's secured herself behind the closed door of her bedroom, she goes to lay down on her bed, face buried in her pillow as she squeals in excitement and embarrassment.

It crosses her mind, really. The dangerous thought now lingers clearly as her heart pounds loudly in her ribcage, the sound even going up to her ears.

She likes Hyunjung.

It's clear now what has been bothering her heart since that night. No. Not since that night. Jiyeon's eyes snap wide open as she turns to lay on her back, realizing something amidst her beating heart. She's had these feelings since a long time ago, back when her and Hyunjung were trainees. The only matter is she ignores these feelings because she thought it's just a crush and it's not normal to have them for one of her bandmates. And at the same time she is dating Kihyun, Jiyeon feels guilty for everytime she thinks about Hyunjung when she's with Kihyun.

And that's when she realizes another important thing. She cannot deny this anymore since it's pretty obvious now. If her feelings are growing rapidly for Hyunjung, then her feelings for Kihyun are slowly fading.

"...yeon." Her mind is all messed up now.

"Jiyeon!" Jiyeon snaps her head, almost straining her neck as she looks at Sojung and she winces in pain. Sojung grins apologetically as she sits down next to her, clearing her throat.

"Oops. Sorry. I called your name five times already, but you were somewhere else."

"Yeah, no it's fine. What's up?" Folding her legs together, she lets Sojung scoot closer and sit properly on her bed.

"So how did the talk with Hyunjung-unnie go?" Jiyeon freezes upon hearing the eldest' name out of Sojung's mouth.

"It went-" Sojung raises her eyebrow.

"-well. But she wouldn't tell me what's wrong with her, so yeah it doesn't really matter what happened a few days ago." It's a lie. Talking to Hyunjung makes her realize her feelings for her. Sojung nods accordingly as she turns her head to let her eyes wander around the small space.

"Well, I guess she's not ready yet." She mumbles to herself, but Jiyeon doesn't pick it up.

"What?" The leader shakes her head, standing up and going to her own bed. "Nothing. Good night." She wonders what Sojung is thinking about, but she shrugs and lays down, letting sleep take over her as she closes her eyes.

  
  
  
  
  
  


It gets worse. She dares say Hyunjung is ignoring her. Maybe it's her imagination, but Hyunjung doesn't talk to her, always looking anywhere else even if the one sitting in front of her is Jiyeon herself. The older girl would find excuses just to not be close with Jiyeon, hell, even in the same room as her. It makes her anxious.

Right now, the WJSN members are just done with their schedule with Idol Radio, and they're going back to the company's building to settle a few things. So all of them sit down in the meeting room, with their manager explaining some things Jiyeon doesn't bother to listen to as she watches Hyunjung who's sitting a few seats away from her, with Soobin on her lap just because there's not enough chairs in the room.

She stares through her lashes, Hyunjung's eyes crinkling at their manager's joke, her hands on Soobin's waist rubbing circles as she counters Sojung's argument, and her wide smile when she turns to look at the members. But Jiyeon has never seen that smile being directed to her for a long time, and she curls her fingers, gripping her fist tightly as her heart shakes at sight of that smile again, shown so easily towards their members, and she closes her eyes for a while, trying to calm her headache and pulsing heart. 

"Excuse me, I have to go to the toilet." She unconsciously lets out amidst the chatter of her members and manager, startling them, including Hyunjung who is looking at her. Since she has already stood up, she walks out of the meeting room even though she has no intention of using the toilet, glad that they're back to talking with each other and she dashes towards the closest bathroom. Once inside a cubicle, she slumps onto the toilet when she feels her eyes starting to get hot and watery.

Why? Why is she crying?

Jiyeon quickly pulls on the toilet paper on the cubicle's wall and presses her eyes before the tears threaten to fall. She sucks her breath sharply when the toilet paper starts to get wet and her mind throbs painfully, veins popping out as she clenches her jaw in order to hold the sob that's stuck in her throat.

She snaps open her eyes as she realizes something, despite her heart throbbing painfully. All this while, dating Kihyun is just a distraction for her to ignore these sickening feelings inside. She realizes that being with Kihyun has never made her feel as happy as when she's with Hyunjung. She realizes Kihyun has never made her feel this upset. The fact that she's so bothered by Hyunjung being so close to the other members makes it more clearer for her.

She loves her.

Instead of just liking her, she actually loves her. it's becoming more and more clear by now. She needs to free her heart and give it its deserved happiness, instead of just pretending that she's happy with what she has now. Instead of taking advantage of a poor boy's sincere heart just to deceive her heart that's blooming with feelings that are bizarre and unsettling to her.

Sitting in the bathroom, with the sound of water dripping down the floor from the not tightly closed tap makes her think of her next actions and how it's going to affect the perfect situation she has put herself in. Realizing that she's been there for a while, Jiyeon steps out of the cubicle and checks herself in the mirror, making sure she looks presentable and then proceeding to walk out of the bathroom. On her way to the meeting room, someone calls her name, making her turn her head, and she almost sighs in disappointment had it not been for keeping a kind image, plus the topic that she's going to be talking about with the person.

When the person approaches her, she turns her body to talk properly with them.

"Jiyeon-ah."

"Kihyun-oppa." She tries her best to smile sincerely as she looks at her 'supposedly' boyfriend. Kihyun grins as he steps closer to her, wiping off the sweat from his forehead with his small purple towel, which is gifted by none other than Jiyeon herself.

"Why are you here? I thought you guys are preparing for the comeback next month?"

"There's just something that manager-oppa wanted to discuss with all of us." Jiyeon steps from one feet to another, doing it repeatedly due to the feeling of anxiousness sipping through her.

Kihyun nods. "I see. Well, as much as I like seeing you, don't you need to go?" He asks, scratching the back of his head as he looks at her with fondness in his eyes. The sincere smile that comes along makes her feel guilty.

"Yeah." Is all she says. They remain silent, with only the sound of Kihyun's heavy breathing and the shuffling of Jiyeon's feet against the hardwood floor as they stare at each other with differentness in their eyes, Kihyun of adoration, and Jiyeon of pityness. She contemplates on whether to talk about it or not, since he's already standing there in front of her while she knows, there's limited chances that they'll meet again for a while. So Jiyeon gathers her courage and voices out her bothersome thoughts, even though her heart's racing so fast she thinks it's going to skyrocket out of her chest.

"Kihyun." Kihyun raises an eyebrow.

"I need to talk to you about something." Her voice wavers as she gazes at his face that's lightened up by the light coming from the large window next to them, highlighting all his features that Jiyeon has never been in love with.

"What is it? Why are you acting so weird? Did I do something wrong?" She wants to tell him that it's not his fault at all. That it's her who's ruining the relationship that they've carefully built for the past 5 years. That it's her who's losing interest in him.

But before she has the chance to say any of that, she hears a sound of a door opening not far away from them, and it makes her flinch in surprise as she turns her head, and she regrets it immediately. Out of all the pairs of eyes looking at her, she's met with the ones she doesn't want to make contact with the most, and they're looking at her with sheer confusion as the person steps out of the meeting room. When every one of them registered what's happening, Jiyeon hears Sojung and Juyeon woo-ing at her, while the other members smile and laugh along, except for the eldest member. She doesn't know why, but their eyes remain locked onto each other despite the commotion her members are making, and despite them surrounding her while Hyunjung remains standing at the frame of the meeting room door, body rigid as her sharp eyes pierces through Jiyeon's uncertain ones.

"Jiyeon-ah, I better go back to the practice room. Text me later." She hears, and she watches his back, walking away to one of the many doors in the company building. When she turns to look back at the spot Kihyun used to be, she sees her members instead.

"Eyy, so that's why you're so late. You went on a date!" Soobin lets out immediately when she's near enough for Jiyeon to hear, but it really doesn't matter because of how loud her voice is in general, echoing through the hall, and Jiyeon watches carefully as Hyunjung moves, walking towards them lazily with her hands in the pockets of her pants.

Jiyeon rolls her eyes. "Oh shut up, I know you're jealous." She meant to tease Soobin, but ended up feeling sick and shameful, because not only she lied to everyone, to Kihyun, but she also deceived herself and her heart. Unconsciously, she grips her fist tighter when Dayoung hooks an arm around her neck.

"Ooooh, unnie. You're getting a bit too cocky don't you think?" Even with Dayoung giggling right next to her, all she ever focuses on is the reaction coming out of the eldest member at the topic that's going on at the moment. And all she gets is Hyunjung looking indifferent. It irks her.

"So what? He's my boyfriend. None of you guys' business." A second passes, and when all of them registered what Jiyeon means, they cheer/yell loudly as they shake Jiyeon's shoulders, making the brunette shakes her head at the attention she's getting. Behind Juyeon's tall shoulders, she sees Hyunjung smiling painfully.

  
  
  
  
  


Fuck, it hurts. Why is she crying again? Oh right, she's jealous. When her eyes darted to Jiyeon that evening at the company's building, full of something Hyunjung can't decipher as she stares at her with confusion in her eyes, she feels her heart sink upon hearing Jiyeon's words about her boyfriend. And it shouldn't have bothered her, but it does.

Hyunjung finds herself curling up to the corner of her shared room with Juyeon, hugging her knees as she bawls her eyes out, accompanied with choked sobs and whimpers as her heart pounds harshly, hitting her ribcage and it pains her. Alone in the room, with Juyeon going to sleep with Luda just because Dawon is back to her hometown, leaves Hyunjung no more other options than to mess with her own head,with a silent voice whispering in her mind, telling her to just give up on life. Jiyeon will never return her love. So what's the point of hoping anymore? No one to talk to, she lets her sobs accompany her in the dark room, with the only source of light coming from the moonlight penetrating the window.

Jiyeon's eyes are still etched all over her brain, bothering her more than she would like for it to. Hyunjung brings her hands up to her hair, and hastily pulls on it, hoping that the pain would erase the lingering thoughts and calms her down. And it did. She pulls on it again, harshly, not afraid that she might rip her hair as tears roll down her eyes at an annoyingly fast pace, dripping down onto the red hoodie she's wearing.

Hyunjung hates herself for being so weak. Weak of Jiyeon's attentive stare. Jiyeon's soft and careful touch. Jiyeon's way of speaking to her, as if she's the only person that matters to her.

Jiyeon's calming lavender shampoo. And at that moment, it invades the air that she's breathing, stimulating her senses as she slowly looks up, hoping that she's wrong. That it's not her that's standing not far away from her, looking down at her with worry and sympathy in her eyes, and it almost makes Hyunjung scoff at her.

"U-unnie?" With cautious steps, Hyunjung watches through the curtains of her hair as Jiyeon approaches her, her footsteps light against the hardwood floor. Jiyeon doesn't say anything, yet, as she inches closer to Hyunjung, wary of her actions, afraid that if she steps closer, there might be a sudden outbursts from the older girl.

But there's nothing. Hyunjung decides to remain silent, with the only thing distracting them are her painful whimpers.

"What?" She croaks out despite her dry throat, ducking her head when Jiyeon is standing in front of her.

"What's wrong unnie? Did something happen? Are you hurt?" 

"No." She cuts her immediately, wishing for Jiyeon to understand and go away, to leave her alone before she does anything stupid and damage their relationship more than it already is. But Jiyeon doesn't, and instead thinks that it's a good idea to sit down and sit so close to Hyunjung, provoking the storm inside her heart when she looks up to meet Jiyeon's concerned eyes, through her tears-stained ones.

"Then, what happened?" It's the first time that she's willingly shown this side of herself to Jiyeon, not counting the past where she cried involuntarily. It's the first time that she's being vulnerable in front of Jiyeon, and maybe that's fine. Maybe Jiyeon will understand her after she sees how tired and hurt Hyunjung is because of her.

"Nothing happened." Now that she looks at her through her disheveled hair, she could see the reflection of her eyes in Jiyeon's, and she's surprised at how clearly she can see the sorrow in them. Jiyeon scrunches her eyebrows, and she loathes herself for still finding it attractive.

"If it's nothing then why are you crying so hard?" She asks, oblivious to the tantrum that's going on in Hyunjung's heart. She's close. Close enough for her hand to brush against Hyunjung's bare thigh that's wearing shorts, close enough that her lavender shampoo makes Hyunjung feel suffocated, close enough for her breath to hit her face.

Hyunjung inhales sharply, noting the scent that's blocking her nose as she wipes the tears that threaten to roll down her eyes again.

"I told you. It's nothing. Can you just-" Leaning her head back slowly to the wall that she's been resting on for the past hour, Hyunjung closes her eyes as she sighs tiredly.

"Can you leave me alone?" She whispers, uncertain of her words but still hoping that Jiyeon would hear it. She really wants her to though, to leave her alone, to let herself get stuck in her own misery and cry her heart out until it all passes.

"What?" The hiss coming from Jiyeon's mouth makes her shiver, opening her blurry eyes to look at her, and she gulps when she sees Jiyeon's collarbone peeking out of her loose oversized t-shirt.

"Leave me alone."

Hyunjung knows that she shouldn't do this, act like this, because sooner or later, she has to confront Jiyeon about her true feelings since they'll be by each other's side for years to come, but at the moment, she just wants to be left alone. To take a moment for herself and clear her thoughts and steadies her thrashing heart.

"No." Hyunjung snaps her eyes at Jiyeon, who doesn't seem to waver as she inches closer to her, reaching out her hand, making the older girl wonder what she's doing even if she had already given her a fair warning that she doesn't want to talk and be left alone. Hyunjung remains rigid as she lets Jiyeon slowly caresses her face, and she feels her wiping the tears that are falling from her burning eyes. Now that Hyunjung looks clearly at her, she can see something etched across Jiyeon's face. Whether it's sympathy, or mockery, or melancholy, she doesn't know, but she lets her warm hand linger on her face.

"Talk to me unnie. Why are you being like this? You know you can talk to any of us about your problems, right? We're here for you. Sojung and Juyeon's there for you. I-i'm here for you. I'll help you. Let me-" She halts to a stop as she pushes a strand of hair away from Hyunjung's face. She doesn't realize that she is sitting in between Hyunjung's legs, but when she does, it pushes the uncertain words out of her throat.

"Let me be there for you." Spoken so softly that when Hyunjung hears that, she doesn't know whether to feel sad or happy. Jiyeon's so close to her right now, it urges her to pull her closer, hug her and bury her head into those lavender scented hair. But she resists it, and instead, lets a scoff escape her lips before she can catch it.

"If you want to help me, then leave me alone already. Surely, that's not hard to do?" Jiyeon really doesn't try to hide the hurt on her face, and it makes Hyunjung sighs to herself, because she feels guilty saying things like that to her. It's not her fault she's crying. It's not her fault that Hyunjung loves her.

"You don't understand. Whatever it is you want to say, you can say it to me. I won't judge you. Why is it so hard for you to open up to me?" Hyunjung notes the hand that's cupping her face lightly, warm against her cold cheeks.

"I don't want to, Jiyeon-ah." Hoarse voice cuts through the midnight silence, and out of the blue, Hyunjung stands up, startling the younger girl, and at the same time already missing the comfortable warmth she is engulfed in a second ago. "Just let me deal with it on my own." Looking down just to see Jiyeon looking up at her, she is about to walk away, already planning to go to her usual hiding place when she feels a hand tugging at her leg.

She sighs. Hyunjung turns around to give Jiyeon another sarcastic remark, but she doesn't expect the girl would beat her to it. Nor did she expect the drop of tear that comes with it.

"I hate it when you do that." And a tear drops onto the hardwood floor underneath. But Hyunjung remains silent as she listens to the rhythm of her heart pounding loudly and to what comes out of those pretty, pink lips.

"When you said that you're going to deal with it on your own but ended up making it worse for yourself. When you push people away just for your own selfishness." She hates how her words are true, and as she stares at those eyes that are starting to get watery, she couldn't help but say,

"I only do it when they bother me so much." And she knows it's the wrong thing to say because now Jiyeon has an angry frown written on her face and her breath labors as she stares at Hyunjung through her blurred vision. But despite the darkness surrounding them, Hyunjung notices Jiyeon's knuckles turning white as she grips her fists tighter.

"I'm bothering you then, unnie? Is that what you're trying to say?"

Hyunjung scoffs, but anxiousness spreads through her mind. "What are you talking about?"

"Don't pretend like you don't know anything!" The raise in her voice makes her flinch in surprise. Although she knows that at any second she's going to have an outburst, Hyunjung is still stunned at the fact that what she thinks is actually happening.

"You said that you don't care, but you did! You've been pushing me away ever since the news came out. And you've also avoided talking to me. You even ignore me sometimes!All that, and yet you still had the audacity to hold my hand when you're not supposed to that night. You played with my feelings. Do you think I'm okay with this? You're so selfish, unnie." Hyunjung wanted to say something, anything, to prevent the tears that's coming out of Jiyeon's eyes to become more persistent. But those syllables get stuck in her throat when Jiyeon continues to scream at her.

"Have you ever noticed that? You think I wouldn't care, but I do! I do, unnie. And it disturbs me so much that you don't want to talk to me about it even though you know, I'm always there to listen. It bothers me that you're distancing yourself from me."

"I hate you." 

Something cracks in Hyunjung's heart at those words being said, and she tenses.

" _You hurt me, unnie._ " When Jiyeon says the last part, it's barely a whisper, contrasting with the shouts she just let out a second ago as she ducks her head after venting out on Hyunjung, letting out her feelings while she feels her throat hurting because of the consistent sobbing.

Hyunjung is speechless, and when she tries to step closer to Jiyeon and reach out her hand to hold her, Jiyeon flinches and hisses at her, which makes her retract her hand immediately back to where they used to be, by her side. They stand there in deafening silence, with only Jiyeon's painful whimpers and Hyunjung staring at her anxiously accompanying them. She thought to herself that maybe she had pushed her too far, or does Jiyeon really mean her words.

Her heart hurts seeing her like this. It hurts her to know that Jiyeon's hurting as well because of her. Regret claws at her mind as her eyes follow Jiyeon's hand that's wiping her non-stop tears. The younger girl's words lingers in her mind, making her head spin around, dizziness starting to settle inside her.

"Jiyeon-" She croaks out, but when the girl look up to her, she couldn't manage to continue watching how torn the girl is looking like, with her eyes red and puffy, subtle whimpers coming out of her trembling lips and her hands shaking as she wipes her eyes. Jiyeon gulps down a non-existent lump in her throat and shakes her head, all the while Hyunjung's is watching her, and then she moves. Ever so slowly, she walks past Hyunjung, and Hyunjung half-heartedly reaches out for her hand, knowing that she's going to reject her, but she tries nevertheless. Her cold fingertips brush against Jiyeon's warm ones before it's gone completely as she hears the sound of a door opening and closing behind her back.

Hyunjung sighs and drops down, laying on her back as she stares up the empty ceiling, thinking about how bad of a person she is to Jiyeon. Jiyeon who only wants to help her. Jiyeon who is nothing but sincere in her actions and words. Jiyeon who breaks her heart. But also Jiyeon, who mends it back to the shape it is supposed to be. She will always love Jiyeon, no matter what she does to her.

Jiyeon hates her now.

  
  
  
  


Behind the closed door of the dorm bathroom, Jiyeon sits herself on the toilet seat, a sense of déjà-vu coming back at her as she breaks down silently, only letting some quiet and choked gasps slip past her mouth. She couldn't go to her room because then Sojung will hear her, which will lead to her asking what's wrong with her, which will lead to Jiyeon having another outburst. So at two a.m. in the morning, Jiyeon cries her heart out, regretting the words she had just said to the person she loves the most.

Jiyeon surprises even herself when the sentence 'i hate you' comes out of her mouth, but it's too late to take it back when she sees the shock in Hyunjung's face. She wants to shout at her, tell her that she doesn't mean it, nor did she mean to say it. She wants to tell her that she's actually feeling the opposite, but her mind is too jumbled up on venting out on her.

_I love you. I'm sorry._

She's afraid she'll wake up Luda and Juyeon, whose room is the closest to the bathroom. It's even a miracle that none of the members wake up at the sound of her shouting just a few minutes ago. Guilt starts to crawl up inside her, eating her up as hot tears stream down her face, which results in her fisting her shirt, gripping it hard to try not to let anything more than soft whimpers come out of her mouth.

Feeling guilty because she's taking advantage of Kihyun, knowing full well that she doesn't have an ounce of feelings from him, and is just using him as a distraction when he confesses to her in the confined space of the practice room. Guilty because not only that she hurt Hyunjung with her spiteful words, but hurt herself as well.

Something buzzes in her pocket, but she only realizes after two choked gasps, and when she pulls it out, it lights up, signaling new notifications coming in.

_2:15 AM Sorry for texting you this late, and you're probably_

_asleep already, but what did you want to talk about?_

Jiyeon sighs defeatedly, typing something with her trembling hands. Exhaling one last time, she sends her message.

_2:16 AM Let's meet tomorrow, at the company's rooftop._

_Yoo Kihyun. I'm sorry._

  
  
  
  
  


The sound of her beating heart is the only thing that brings the world to life in the ungodly hour as she sits on the concrete slab, her feet dangling down from the tall building. It's still dark outside, even though it's already morning, and the darkness reminds her of a certain pair of dark brown orbs that stares at her with a despair and wounded expression. The quick change in her eyes when Jiyeon throws the regretful words at her, and the ghost of anger on her face when Jiyeon yells at her, uncaring of the fact that it's past midnight, when everyone's asleep, and the fact that Hyunjung's older and she shouldn't be speaking that way to her. But she knows Hyunjung doesn't mind that one bit. In fact it's the least of their care during this situation they're putting themselves in.

"Jiyeon-ah."

Jiyeon is too deep in her own thoughts that she doesn't realize the sound of the heavy metal door being pushed, and when she turns around, Kihyun is already standing behind her, smiling at her sleepily. She feels sorry for asking him to meet up early in the morning, even though he needs to rest, but Jiyeon cannot just push the jittery, unsettling feelings inside her heart, resulting in her to not have even a minute of sleep. Kihyun helps himself by sitting next to Jiyeon, running a hand through his hair and Jiyeon thinks to herself, her past self would love that.

"So? What is the topic that you've been all serious about?" Kihyun makes a gesture with his hand, laughing as he sees Jiyeon chuckling at his ridiculous manners. But after a few seconds, Jiyeon is suddenly quiet, and that makes him worried.

"Jiyeon-ah, what's wrong?"

It's been five years already, and whenever Kihyun inquires about her, it would always be 'what's wrong?'. She and Kihyun barely argue with each other, the both of them too caught up in their own life to care much about each other. But they hold onto this pitiful relationship, at least that's what Jiyeon thinks, and that's why nervousness wrecks her brain when she thinks of the word 'breakup'.

Would he cry? Jiyeon understands herself enough to know she would cry, but only for that fleeting moment as she reaches out for his hand, which is cold against her warm ones. She hopes that she doesn't give that much of an impact in his life that he would cry his heart out after hearing what Jiyeon is about to say. The crooked smile on his face doesn't help to calm her nerves.

  
  
  


"Listen." Jiyeon says, her face serious. She averts her eyes from looking at Kihyun, and it makes him wonder what's so important that she calls him at 6 a.m. in the morning, asking him to meet up with her. "I need to tell you something." Of course she does.

Kihyun intertwined their fingers together, noting how sweaty and warm Jiyeon's palm felt against his frozen one. He has just got out of the shower because he fell asleep without taking one, and the coldness of the surrounding adds up more to it, causing him to pull his jacket closer.

"Well what is it?" He asks, staring into her soul, trying his best to get through her, through those careful, wary brown eyes that's now staring back at him.

"First, I want you to know that I appreciate everything you've done for me throughout this relationship." Kihyun frowns, seemingly cannot seem to understand where this is going, so the only thing that comes out of his mouth is,

"What?" Jiyeon chuckles, but it's so apathetic that Kihyun feels the melancholy in her words.

"I can't do this, Kihyun. I don't want to fool myself anymore."

"What are you saying?" These past few days, his girlfriend has been acting really weird, always looking like someone had caught her doing something she shouldn't, always looking so anxious and jittery.

"I don't want to be your girlfriend anymore."

Silence. Is all he could give her. He is too stunt to say anything, which convinces her to continue before she feels like taking back her words.

"I want this relationship to end. Here. Now." Untangling their fingers, Jiyeon turns her body to him, and he guesses something in his eyes must've scared her because she continues immediately. "But don't get me wrong. It's not you. Nothing's wrong with you. It's me. Something changes inside me, and I don't-"

When he hears the hesitation in the wavering voice, Kihyun glares at her mildly and inches closer, asking her to continue. A few seconds of silence, Jiyeon inhales sharply before saying a sentence that makes Kihyun's brain short-circuit and a piece of his heart shattered to pieces.

"I don't think I love you anymore."

Right after he processes those words, he couldn't help but let out, "You're kidding, right?" as he laughs nervously, feeling that Jiyeon is just joking with her, and maybe this is all a prank, but reality hits, and the look on Jiyeon's face tells him otherwise.

Jiyeon shakes her head.

"I'm sorry, but I think I'm slowly losing interest in you. It's better for me to say it now than prolonging it and hurting the both of us more. I don't want you to have a one sided love with me. It's

unhealthy, Kihyun." She looks down, probably too afraid to meet his hurt expression, and Kihyun eyes Jiyeon's beautiful side profile, with her face being lightened up by the sun that's starting to come up.

How could Jiyeon do this to him? After all those years? Doesn't it mean anything to her?

"K-Kihyun. Please don't cry." He doesn't realize it actually. Not until Jiyeon says it and he feels her fingers wiping away his tears while his heart thrums erratically in his chest.

He gradually pulls away from her and palms his face with both of his hands, trying to rub away the heat on his face and eases the pounding in his brain with his cool hands. "N-no, it's fine. I'll do it myself." He says as he wipes the hot tears with the sleeves of his jacket.

The deafening silence after it makes him think of what are other reasons she's breaking up with him, aside from losing an interest in him. She says it has nothing to do with him, but he can't help but feel that it's his fault after all. Maybe he did something that she doesn't like, or something that doesn't pique her interest. But then, maybe it's just that. Maybe they're not meant for each other.

Kihyun isn't the type of person that will deny fate. He would just let things go its way, no matter if it involves him or not, hurts him or not, makes him happy or not. And so, as he sighs calmly while standing up, he finds it surprising that the confused look on Jiyeon's face steadies his heart.

"I'm sorry too, Jiyeon. For not being able to make you feel content with just having me. But it's fine. I understand." He gives her his softest look, in hoping that he can convey his true feelings and that she can understand what he's trying to say. Knowing Jiyeon, he knows that the expression on her face at that moment tells him that she understood him.

She stands up, face to face with him, waiting for him to say his next words.

"Being with you was really fun. I had a good time." He smiles, and so does she. "Me too, Kihyun. Me too."

He grins wider, opposite to the frown he had a few minutes ago. "I hope that the next person to own your heart can make you the happiest person in the world. And I hope they know how great of a person you are."

In the break of dawn, with the sun starting to rise beside them, Kihyun notices a drop of tears falling down Jiyeon's eyes, but he almost misses it due to Jiyeon's gummy smile.

"Stop it. You're making me cry. Why are you saying this even though I'm the one that's breaking up with you?" She laughs, and Kihyun thinks that it's her first sincere laugh for the past few weeks, and unknowingly, the smile on his face grows wider as he laughs along with Jiyeon.

This is his first love standing in front of him, and this is also his first break up. Kihyun should be feeling sad, but instead he feels relieved. Relieved that Jiyeon is honest with him, and as he is laughing, he glimpses at her from time to time, hoping to savor this bittersweet moment they're sharing, because God knows when will he ever be like this again with her. Sadness binds through him, but all he does to cover it up is by sighing. He can't do anything about it anymore. Jiyeon made her choice, and he accepted fatefully. But at the end of the day, he hopes that she could find happiness again, even if it doesn't come in the form of him.

  
  
  
  
  


_11:01 PM Jiyeon._

_11:01 PM Jiyeon!_

_11:01 PM KIM JIYEON WHY THE FUCK AREN'T YOU REPLYING?_

_11:03 PM calm down! what do you want???_

_11:03 PM Sojung???_

_11:03 PM Oh thank God! Where are u?_

_11:04 PM I'm at the convenience store downstairs?_

_11:04 PM I told you didn't I?_

_11:04 PM drop whatever the hell you're doing and come back_

_to the dorm now. And when I said now, I MEAN NOW! IMMEDIATELY!_

_11:04 PM what? why? I'm almost done btw. I'm paying._

_11:05 PM have you seen Hyunjung unnie? No right? She's not answering my calls, nor Juyeon's, nor Soobin's, nor everyone._

And that hit a cord in Jiyeon's brain. That's right, she hasn't seen her all day actually. It's been a few days already since the breakup with Kihyun, which surprisingly went well, and a few days since the fight with Hyunjung, which left the both of them hurt and torn between trying to fix it or just let it be. As she watches the cashier scan her strawberry milk, Jiyeon types in a response.

_11:07 PM shit. you're right. I'm guessing none of us have_ _any idea where she is?_

Jiyeon may sound calm, but she's not as she hastily grabs the plastic bag containing her strawberry milk, chocolate milk, two bags of potato chips and a bar of chocolate and dashes out the convenience store, standing outside as she tries to breathe. Standing in the store for too long makes her feel suffocated. Then her phone dings.

_11:08 PM damn right. let's go search for her._

_we'll be dead if manager-unnie hears about this._

_11:08 PM what if she's actually in her hometown?_

_11:09 PM she'd tell us if she's there._

Right. Sojung's right. She was wary, but now she's just panicked and nervous as she thinks about the older girl's whereabouts.

_11:10 PM have you guys started searching?_

_11:10 PM yomi and yeoreum are searching the building,_

_me, soob and juyeon are going to the company's building._

_11:11 PM luda and yeonjung?_

_11:11 PM they'll stay at the dorm in case she comes back._

_11:11 PM well, where do you want me to go?_

_11:11 PM idk, wherever that she might go?_

_11:11 PM right. I'll start by the cafe she always goes to._

_11:12 PM sure. good luck._

Jiyeon starts walking, and is about to slide her phone inside the pocket of her jeans when it vibrates again. It might be because Hyunjung is missing, but everyone is acting so weird, she thought as she reads Sojung's incomprehensible message.

_11:13 PM Jiyeon. Just in case you found her, don't rush talking to her. just sit down next to her and...idk, slow talk?_

Of course Jiyeon would do that, especially after what happened a few days ago. She's crazy if she just goes up to Hyunjung and talks as if she doesn't say those hurtful words.

_11:13 PM don't you know? I'm always gentle when it comes_

_to Hyunjung unnie ;)_

_11:14 PM ugh, ew whatever. see you later._

_11:14 PM see ya._

And so, Jiyeon makes her way towards the coffee shop a few blocks away from their dorm. Along the stone pavement underneath her feet, Jiyeon gazes at the shops around her, some restaurants busy with customers, some are convenience stores and some are just eerie looking shops with only the store owner inside, sitting behind the counter as they wait for a customer to come in and buy anything. The bustling street around her, the murmurs of strangers in the busy night makes her wonder, why is Hyunjung doing this? Is it because of what she says? If it is, shouldn't she be doing this a few days ago? So why now?

Jiyeon wants to understand her. She wants to know what's behind those dark, calculative pupils, the unbothered expression and those twisted words that come out of her red lips. She wants to try and understand Hyunjung, and she hopes that Hyunjung would want to do the same.

The idol is too deep in her own thoughts that she doesn't even realize she's already standing inside the coffee shop, with people glancing at her, but never staring. Maybe they recognize her through her mask and cap, but they're probably uncertain while she makes her to the counter.

The cashier greets her, and she inches closer to him. "Excuse me, but have you seen Seola-unnie?" Hyunjung is a regular at the cafe, and she knows that the cashier guy knows her, while she leans back to see his reaction.

"Bona-ssi?" He asks bewilderedly and immediately nods his head afterwards."She was here probably an hour or two ago. Why?"

"Did she tell you where she's going after that?"

"N-no. What's all this about? Is she missing?" And at that, Jiyeon asks him to pipe down his voice, which he involuntarily does as he ducks his head lower to listen to Jiyeon's quiet voice despite the hectic cafe.

"She's not missing. She had just happened to.....cut herself off for a while, and we're worried, because none of us knows where she went. Now that I tell you this, shut your mouth, don't tell a single word to anyone. Understand?" It sounds like she's threatening him, and maybe she is, because not only her, but all her members would be dead if their manager finds out about this. The guy nods his head aggressively, and she sighs tiredly, turning around and walking out of the bustling cafe with a lost heart. Her phone lights up.

_11:26 PM we can't find her. you?_

_11:26 PM same. but the cashier guy told me_

_she was at the cafe an hour ago._

_11:26 PM well, I suggest we keep searching._

_11:27 PM yes that's what I was about to say._

The conversation dies down immediately. She continues on, walking around and entering shops, and stopping at a park or any public places as her heart starts pounding erratically due to her non-stop walking and panic settling inside her. Jiyeon wanders around the street aimlessly, darting her eyes on everyone who passes by, hoping that maybe one of them is Kim Hyunjung. None of them are.

  
  
  
  
  


Jiyeon finds Hyunjung when it's past 1 a.m. in the morning, sitting on one of the benches below the Han River bridge, staring soullessly into the dark as puffs of air come out of her mouth. By the time midnight comes, the members gather around back at their dorm and decide that Sojung and Jiyeon would be the only ones continuing the search, while the maknaes rest because they have a schedule the day after. 

God knows how Sojung notices Hyunjung with her dark appearance through the taxi tinted window, and immediately she asks the taxi driver to stop. Jiyeon steps out, but then hears the door behind being closed, making her turn around and lift her eyebrows when Sojung rolls down the window, looking at her expectantly.

"I think you should go." The tone in Sojung's voice tells her that she knows something Jiyeon doesn't, and that makes her furrow her eyebrows.

"Why? Aren't you closer to her?" She says bluntly while turning her head to Hyunjung who's still unaware of their presence, her back facing the both of them.

"Are you sure you want me to go though?" That makes her think. _Does she want to?_ No. Maybe talking to Hyunjung now can resolve their problems with each other and maybe Jiyeon can---

"Fine. I'll do it." Jiyeon just wants to wipe that stupid smirk off Sojung's face by punching her, but she resist as she turns around and starts walking down the stairs carefully while nervousness starts to present themselves inside her.

"I'll wait here. Don't take too long!" She rolls her eyes, glad that Sojung couldn't see it as she steps closer and closer to Hyunjung with careful steps, and when she's finally standing behind her, she gathers her thoughts and words and whatever it is that she wants to let out to her, and clears her throat. It grabs Hyunjung's attention immediately.

  
  
  


"Hyunjung-unnie."

She must be dreaming. There's no way Jiyeon is standing here now, looking at her attentively, warily as if she's about to scare her away. She doesn't think that after their verbal fight, Jiyeon would want to talk to her again, let alone search for her in the darkness of night. But here she is, nearing her and takes it to herself to sit next to Hyunjung, while keeping a proper distance, as she puts down a plastic bag full of Hyunjung-doesn't-know-what between them, acting as a barrier.

"How are you?" It's safe to say that Hyunjung doesn't expect that, and because of that, her heart starts pounding lightly.

"I'm fine. Thank you for asking."

Jiyeon chuckles. "Stop lying, unnie. If you're fine then why are you trying to run away from us?"

"I'm not trying to run away. I just need a few hours of break." She says steadily, indicating that it's true, she needs it. She needs it because her mind has been messed up these past few days, and everytime she sees Jiyeon, it worsens. But surprisingly, she finds her heart beating steadily when she finally looks at Jiyeon again.

"A break from all this mess I've created." She continues, threading her fingers to keep it warm, but her cool fingertips aren't really helping. Jiyeon looks at her understandingly, and Hyunjung notes how she has grown so much. Jiyeon was twenty the first time Hyunjung saw her, and yet she feels like she's so much younger than that, which makes Hyunjung feel a sense of responsibility to take care of her. But now Jiyeon is older, more matured and can think of her own decisions, make her own decisions.

"Why didn't you tell us then? You made the maknaes worry, you know?" She says, and then suddenly rummages the plastic bags, and when Hyunjung looks at her quizzically, she brings out two boxes of milk. She gives Hyunjung the chocolate one, in which the older girl accepts happily.

As she is sipping her drink, Hyunjung couldn't help but blurt out something she doesn't expect she would ask. Maybe her insecurities get the best of her.

"How about you?"

"Me?" Jiyeon wets her plump lips with her tongue, and Hyunjung stares at it. If only she could just lean in and---

"Were you worried about me?" She cuts her thoughts immediately, and moves her eyes to look at Jiyeon's confused ones. But then it turns soft, and slowly, a sweet smile spread on her face, which does things to Hyunjung's poor heart.

"I am. I'm really worried for you actually." Hyunjung nods. Jiyeon takes that as a good sign, so she moves the plastic bag away and inches closer to Hyunjung, in which the older girl flinches but then relaxes as she bites on the straw. Hyunjung leans back on the bench, staring at the still river, and the lights that reflect from the bridge on it. From the corner of her eyes, she sees Jiyeon fiddling with her fingers even with the box of strawberry milk in her hand, and Hyunjung knows that she's about to start her deep conversation.

"I broke up with Kihyun." The heart that's beating loudly suddenly stops for a second, and after that, she snaps her head to her direction, almost breaking her neck in the process, but she doesn't care as she stares at Jiyeon, who's looking down on her hands. "You're the first person to know about it." She adds, and finally, she lifts up her head and gazes at Hyunjung, but what makes Hyunjung feel skeptical is the fact that she doesn't see any regrets or sadness in Jiyeon's beautiful brown orbs. There's only warmth and softness there, making it feels like she's offering it to Hyunjung. And maybe she is.

"Why me? Why not Sojung? Or Xuanyi?" At the mention of her two closest friends, Jiyeon shakes her head indifferently at her, before saying,

"Because I want to. That's all."

"Alright."

Silence starts enveloping the both of them, and while it's comfortable for Hyunjung, sighing in content as she casually sips the last of her drink, it brings uneasiness to Jiyeon. Silence could mean anything. It could indicate that someone is happy, or shocked, or mad. So in order to not let it linger, Jiyeon lets out her true feelings hastily, but not before taking a sip of her strawberry milk one last time and inhaling sharply.

"I---" Shaking her head, she tries again.

"I broke up with him because of you." Hyunjung's staring at her so confusingly she almost blurts out _'you're cute'_ to her.

She chuckles, finding that the situation is kind of funny to her. "I was hoping you would ask why, but you didn't."

"I don't want to be nosy." She mutters quietly. From a distance, Hyunjung sees a cat walking slowly towards them, and she stares at it as a distraction, turning her head away from Jiyeon, trying to hide the embarrassment on her face after Jiyeon's confession.

"You know I don't mind it at all, right? In fact, I would rather share things with you more than anyone else." The cat is near now, and it slips itself in between Hyunjung's legs, circling it and dropping to the ground, laying down in front of her. She averts her eyes from the cat and braces herself as she rotates her head to glances at Jiyeon. In the dark of night, she sees Jiyeon's small hands tremble with anxiousness, eyes looking at her like she's searching for something, a reaction mayhaps.

"Why? Because I'm the eldest?"

"Because you're the one I trust the most."

Hyunjung looks at Jiyeon with bewilderment, wondering what did she do that Jiyeon even says that. She thought Jiyeon despised her?

"I don't hate you." She says that as if she had just read Hyunjung's mind. It's scary.

"I don't hate you at all." She croaks out, twisting the milk box in her hand as a replacement for her fidgety fingers, trying her best to form out coherent words despite the nervousness wrecking her heart. She grasps the three words inside her head and closes her eyes, ready to say it out loud, but fails to do so, and instead it is replaced by,

"I actually feel quite the opposite of that." Her words are only above a whisper, and is accompanied by the cat meowing at them, which makes Hyunjung unable to think and process properly what she had just said. Ever so slowly, she turns her body fully to Jiyeon, who's still rigid next to her, keeping her head as low as possible to avoid looking at her.

"C-come again?" Hyunjung barely let that out as she drops her chocolate milk box onto the bench, in between her thighs. She feels like her heart is starting to accelerate and her hand is shaking so heavily as she reaches out to grasp Jiyeon's hand, untangling it from the box and intertwining their fingers carefully, as if she's afraid that Jiyeon might pull away.

Jiyeon exhales, but turns her head and opens her eyes anxiously to look at Hyunjung properly, and she feels her heart beating out of control. Jiyeon's face is red, even with the darkness surrounding them, and it becomes more visible as she inches closer to Hyunjung, offering the warmth of her body, with their thighs pressing together.

" _I love you._ "

A few seconds later, Hyunjung can feel her brain short-circuited and her heart literally skyrockets as she listens to the words that had just come out of Jiyeon's lips. She would like to believe that this is all a dream, a joke, a prank even, but the heat on Jiyeon's face, the trembling hand that's holding onto hers, the shaking pupils and the uncertainty in her voice tells her otherwise.

Then she continues, making Hyunjung's heart thrashes wildly.

"I'm sorry, unnie. I know I shouldn't be feeling this way, b-but I can't just simply push away my feelings, right? I just want you to know, that's all. And what I said a few days ago? I don't mean it, unnie, especially the hate part." Jiyeon is shaking so hard by the time she finishes, and unintentionally, Hyunjung pulls her closer, letting her head rest on her shoulder as the younger girl hides her face in her neck.

Hyunjung is astonished. This is too good to be true. And maybe that's the reason she decides to ask a stupid question, but she has to be sure. She doesn't want her heart to be played again, to be crushed again.

"A-are you serious?" She mumbles, quite dumbly, as she places her head on top of Jiyeon's. She hears her chuckles, and then she sniffs, which makes Hyunjung aware of the feeling that her shirt is starting to get wet.

Jiyeon is crying. And that bruises her heart.

She tries to pull her away from her, but the arms around her waist tightens.

"Y-yes--" Jiyeon manages to let out before breaking down as her choked gasps and whimpers are muffled by Hyunjung's shirt, and at one moment, she feels her tears drop down her neck, and that's enough for Hyunjung to pull her as close as possible, unconsciously kissing the top of her head.

"Why are you crying? I haven't even given you my answer yet." Her lips quiver, but she's glad Jiyeon can't see it. Knowing that the younger girl won't respond, with her crying her heart on Hyunjung's chest, Hyunjung continues with a surprisingly steady heart.

" _I love you too._ "

It feels right to let that out. So right when she knows that Jiyeon feels the same way too. She'd never thought this day will come, or maybe she does but it's only just a fleeting thought, sometimes it lingers, sometimes it doesn't, but even so, what happens after this, she's glad that she won't be dealing with it on her own.

The sobbing stop for a second, before Jiyeon immediately pulls away from her, but hands still on her waist, looking at her with shock and relief in her wide watery eyes as her lips tremble, half-open, trying to say anything but nothing comes out, and Hyunjung smiles.

"Everything's fine. You don't have to say anything. You don't have to worry. We're in this together now."

Bringing her hands up to her face, she wipes the tears running down Jiyeon's face, now realizing that she herself is crying, but it's the least of her worries as she pulls her closer. "I love you, Jiyeon."

Jiyeon inhales sharply before hastily, she closes the gap in between the both of them, and she lets herself melt into the warm lips with her arms wrapped around Hyunjung's neck. Closing her eyes, she tastes the salty tears, whether it's Hyunjung's or hers, she doesn't know, but she doesn't mind it at all while she sighs in content and relief as her heart pounds loudly in her ears, falling into rhythm with Hyunjung's wild one. She's pleased of herself that she's able to let her feelings out, and is more happy that it's reciprocated.

Maybe it's just her imagination, or maybe it's not, but she hears Sojung knocking on the car window rapidly, and she ignores them, pulling Hyunjung's face closer to her, while it burns underneath her touches and at that moment, she decides something uncertain and impossible.

Everything's going to be okay.

  
  



End file.
